I Tried To Sell My Baby

January 2001. We were living in Phoenix - Fox and I. Our son had been born a few months prior, but he'd spent the first 3 months in the hospital because he was premature. We had brought him home about a month ago.

I was 20 years old. Old enough and mature enough, in my mind, to make the very serious decision to have and to raise a child.

It's all about me!

But after a month of having a newborn in the home - the constant crying, screaming, waking up all night, the feeding, the constant, never ending, relentless attention - I just couldn't take it anymore!

I told Fox I'd had it. I couldn't do it anymore! I had to get rid of that baby - it's ruining my life. Fox had fairly strong opinions about parents discarding their children - probably because his own parents were pretty shitty and discarded him when he was growing up. Nevertheless, I had him wrapped around me finger and he would agree to whatever I'd propose. I told him I think we should give it up for adoption. I told him I think that would be best because Fox was too emotionally devoid to raise a child and I just wasn't ready for all this. Of course, Fox said he'd support whatever decision I made - just like a good little bitch.

I didn't mention the prospect of selling our son at first. That might have been a bit much. So, instead, I just put the idea out there, planted the seed, if you will. I said, "I wonder if adoption agencies pay for children."

Fox replied, "I would have no idea. But, I wouldn't think so." He didn't seem particularly troubled by the idea - indifferent, mostly, I suppose. Was he shocked? Repulsed? Affected in any way? Hard to tell. Fox's not easily excitable.

I left it at that. There was no need to say anything further on the matter. Besides, he probably figured I wasn't serious. I mean, what kind of monster contemplates exchanging their new born baby for monetary notes?

The next day, I called around to some adoption agencies. They didn't seem to take too kindly to me asking about the possibility of receiving any kind of compensation for the child. I have to admit, was surprised. I mean, there are so many people waiting to adopt babies and here I had a brand new one - fresh from the hospital, that the new owners could mold into whatever they chose. I was basically saving some poor woman the nuisance of having to go through 9 months of pregnancy and destroying her money maker by passing a baby through it. That had to be worth something, right?

I think it was, maybe, the third or forth agency I called that the woman became quite angry at my proposition of payment. She said she was going to call the police and child protective services! I quickly hung up. Fuck!

The police never came. I never heard from CPS. I didn't tell Fox about the calls to the adoption agencies - not right away, anyway. I waited a week or so then I mentioned to him, just in passing, that I'd called an (singular) agency and that they told me it would be illegal to accept money in exchange for a baby. He just looked at me. I don't know if he was upset that we couldn't get a few bucks, or if he was disgusted with me - though, the fact that he filed for divorce and custody of our son not long after is a pretty good indication, I suppose.

Oh well. So, that didn't work out. A couple months later we moved back to Los Angeles, then a few months after that we separated and I took our son with me, back to Phoenix. Two months later, I ditched our son in Phoenix and moved back to Florida. Fox immediately went to Phoenix to get our son, brought him back to LA, then filed for divorce and got custody of the little bastard.

Big deal. I just made another one with my new boyfriend in Florida. They're only kids - it's not like you can't just pop out more, right?

I Will Deny This...

I will accuse you of things you've never done until you forget the things I've done!

If you ever ask me about this I will deny it ever happened.

Then, if you point out the email where I acknowledge it happened, then I will tell you it was not me - it was Fox ... he made me do it ... he made me call the adoption agencies ... he was the one that said we should see if we could get money from our son.

Then, if you point out that I could have refused; I could have told somebody; I could have left him; I will become belligerent and accuse you of things you've never done, and you will be too distracted defending yourself against my unsupported, hysterical, false allegations.

The world will always defend poor, innocent people like me - no matter what we do, no matter how disgusting our actions, the world is just not ready to accept that a cute, blonde, sweet spoken mother can also be a monster.

So, decide for yourself: How do you think it really happened? Based on the proven, factual history - supported by stacks of evidence, including my own words and court testimony - who do you think would have been more likely to try to sell our son for a few quick, easy bucks?